Oh Snape with Voldemort and Severus: The Potters/Transcript
Matt: Greetings, muggles, and welcome back to Oh Snape. Jason: Ouch. Matt: Get on the same page, Severus. Jason: What? No. You said we would count. Matt: We... no. Jason: Three beats, give it a three beat. Matt: If we count, it's lame. If we... just... welcome back to Oh-''. :Jason: Oh Snape. Matt: Oh Snape. Oh Snape'' Matt: This is where we give you the straight dope on... Jason: The straight sheezy. Matt: ...the Wizarding World and muggle... things... Jason: Muggle? Did you just really say "muggle"? Matt: This is a safe space for... for purebloods and you filthy mudbloods. Jason: This is not... there we go, that's what I signed up for. Matt: Why don't we talk about first impressions? Jason: First impressions of what? Matt: Of you of me. I'm dying to know, I'm sure you are. You know you are. I had hair when you met me. Do you remember that? Jason: You had lovely hair, yes, very thick, very... Matt: I was an attractive young man. People wanted to solve this Riddle. Women ask me out all the time. Witches be lining up round the block. Jason: Witches be crazy. Matt: No. They be totally smart to want some of this. Jason: Alright. Matt: Successful, intelligent, charismatic, a leader, right? Can't die... has all his teeth... Jason: Not all his nose. Sorry. Matt: And I want to say what I thought of you the first time I saw you. Jason: Alright. Matt: I was thinking he was... like he got kicked in the head by a mule or something. Jason: I don't understand. Matt: It's just sometimes it takes a while for you to get it out there, you're like an ant in human form. I thought you were uneducated, because of the slow talking. You were like, like, "this must be like a rural hick wizard boy." The way you speak is very... Jason: Deliberate. There's a difference. Matt: It's very... painfully deliberate. Jason: I was at a vulnerable stage of my life. Matt: Most people are when they meet me. Jason: Right. Matt: You had just broken up or something. Jason: It... Well, it wasn't an actual breakup. Matt: You had just mutually parted ways with... I can't remember her name. Jason: Lily! The woman you murdered. Matt: Me? Jason: Yes. Jason: How do you not remember? Matt: So here's... here's what actually happened. This will blow your mind holes. I go to the Potter residence on such and such and such, Godric Hallow Lane, blah, blah, blah. I blew up half of the place. Don't care, sorry not sorry, hashtag. Jason: Usually, you put the hashtag before. Matt: Don't interrupt. Jason: Sorry. Matt: So I go to the house. Pretty basic, pretty, pretty neh. You're not missing anything, Lily is a terrible... or was a terrible interior designer. The girl had no eye for anything. I walk in, there's James, I'm like blam, you're welcome. Jason: It's James. No, I wasn't... that was never the issue. #I'mGrateful. Matt: Yeah. So, I'm nailing it, I'm batting 100 right now, no, 1000. I turned it up to eleven. And I'm walking up the stairs, and there's Lily, and I say "Lily, stand aside, and let me kill your firstborn, and you can be with Severus.", and she's like "What?" Jason: Well, she was embarrassed that she still had feelings for me. Matt: Actual- no, no. Jason: No? Matt: No. So I was like "Lily," you know, "stand aside." and she was like "No, I would rather die than be with Severus." Jason: I don't like this story. Matt: And I was like "Um, okay, well, I'm sorry, but I'm not here to kill you... I promised my homeboy that I wouldn't... you know... do the death." and she was like "Sorry", and she Imperio'd me. She was like "Imperio, Dark Lord" and then I was like "Ugh, Lily! No, no!" and she was like "Kill me now!" and I'm "Aveda Kedavra" and then... it was it. Jason: Because that was better than... Matt: Than being... Jason: With me. Matt: Don't Aveda Kedavra the messenger, I'm just saying that's what happened. Jason: Can we move on? Matt: Yeah, no, that's fine. Category:Season 8